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Gawker’s Guide to Finding Drugs During the Holidays


These dubious suggestions are especially for grown adults stuck in hometowns where they no longer know anyone.

5 Substance
Score


Going home for the holidays can pose all kinds of problems: lost luggage, dealing with your family’s prying questions about your life choices and dry turkey.

And with all this, there’s the sad prospect of being stranded in your long-since-abandoned hometown without a hookup (unless your drug-of-choice is booze, in which case, you’re probably drunk already).

Luckily, the good folks at Gawker have put together “The Adult’s Guide to Finding Drugs When You’re Home for the Holidays.” Here are some highlights—stay safe out there!

Ask a Teen

“If you have teenage siblings or cousins, you should ask them where they get their drugs—or, even better, if they’ll sell you an appropriate amount from their stashes. Don’t be embarrassed that you don’t know the right slang words. Offer to buy them some beer in exchange.”

…not a bad way to curry favor with the youngins, but don’t be surprised if they rat you out.

Bring Drugs With You

“If you’re traveling by car, train, or bus, just toss the baggie somewhere deep in your bag. If you’re traveling by plane and feeling paranoid stuff it into a shampoo bottle.”

…well, sure—depending on your mode of transport. Here’s a guide to the legality (or otherwise) of flying with marijuana in the US.

Talk to Your Weed-Smoking Uncle

“Even if you don’t have any younger siblings or cousins, you probably have an uncle who smokes weed. Find a way to bring it up in conversation, see if you’ll hook you up. Because he is also old and likely has troubles of his own finding drugs, he may be sympathetic. It’s also possible he’ll have a prescription for Vicodin due to a bad back or something. Watch out, though: he might snitch on you to your mom. Or, worse, you might be obligated to smoke with him.”

but what if you ARE the weed-smoking uncle?

White Guy with Dreads

“We don’t usually advocate stereotyping, but you know what category of person always has drugs or knows where to find them? White dudes with dreads. Offer to go on a grocery run and use the opportunity to find a white guy with dreads hanging out downtown or at the local shopping plaza. Ask to bum a cigarette and strike up a conversation. At an appropriate moment, tell him you’re looking for drugs. Note that this same method can be used, with lower rates of success, with the skaters and punks hanging out downtown.”

…might work in a town called Desperateville.

Facebook

“If you’re still Facebook friends with most of the kids you went to high school with, there’s a decent chance one of them can hook you up. Write a status update and use the button next to ‘post’ to limit to people you went to high school with. Or use Facebook’s graph search: ‘people I went to high school with who work at Long John Silver’s’ or ‘my friends who like the band Tool.'”

…but what about the pesky ol’ NSA?

The Parking Lot of the CVS Near My High School

If the Wendy’s parking lot was too crowded, sometimes we’d meet in the parking lot of the CVS, which overlooked the Wendy’s parking lot. The parking lot is still there and probably a good place to buy drugs. Ask around until someone helps, but do not ask a cop.

“do not ask a cop” is good advice, but grown-adult-wandering-around-teenage-hangout is not a good look.

Call Tim

“If he’s home, he probably knows someone.”

…foolproof.