• Lost your password?
  • Or, login with:
  • New User? Sign up here!

Retrieve Password


Get involved in the conversation.

May Wilkerson May Wilkerson

Photos: If Alcohol Labels Told The Truth

Would you order shots of "Text Your Ex" or buy "Crying Alone" in bulk at Trader Joe's? These alcohol labels cut straight to the truth. And sometimes, the truth hurts.

5 Substance

Do you prefer to sling back shots of “Vomit Everywhere” with your friends at the bar? Or stay home nursing a bottle of “Crying Alone”? Whatever your poison-of-choice, drinking it takes on a new light when the name cuts straight to the truth. Writer and former bartender Rachel Page has hit the nail right on the head by adding brilliant new labels to some old familiar beverages, along with commentary on each one (below). She definitely knows what she’s talking about—the woman might have a PhD in booze.

After reading these, you may never drink again (except vodka, which seems low-cal and fun). But if you do, at least you know what you’re signing up for.

Rachel W. Page/TSM


 Jager: “Jäg·er·mei·ster (noun): ‘You know how in a fairy tale, there’s always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guy starts kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don’t wake up in a castle–you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.’”


Rachel W. Page/TSM

White Wine: “What’s not to love? Oh, that’s right. Tears. Lots of tears.”


Rachel W. Page/TSM

Coconut Rum: “it’s delicious–almost too good to be true. Spoiler alert: it is. The average bottle of coconut rum has about 1,700 calories.”

Rachel W. Page/TSM

Tequila: “There’s not much to say about tequila–you probably know it all already. If ‘every kiss begins with Kay,’ then ‘every regrettable makeout begins with tequila.’”

Rachel W. Page/TSM

Whiskey: “It’s a damn shame something that pairs so well with Diet Coke can be so, so wrong.”


Rachel W. Page/TSM

Vodka: “Nothing creates new friendships quite like vodka does. There’s an inseparable bond vodka brings to girls, whether it be ‘This is your song, too?’ or ‘Stop, I can’t believe you know him!’ It is a form of peace in the female universe that should not be questioned.”